The essay is quite clear. The first paragraph gives readers a brief introduction of the essay, namely talking about the commitments and is followed by the expansion except the last conclusion paragraph with different concerns of each paragraph.
But the third paragraph is not that coherent, my recommendation is that the effect of forest fire towards climate change should be put in the first place. Here another problem came out, that is, some information or opinion which the writer provided is not accurate and lack of authority like the sentence below:
“Developing countries, particularly Indonesia must educate the population about the impact of forest fire toward the environment and climate change, and so to prevent deforestation activities to grow worst.”
Because in each paragraph with different concerns, the writer intended to contrast (compare) the different (same) responsibilities of developed and developing countries at the same time. When contrasting, the writer should care about more the showing sequence of developed countries and developing countries. That will make the whole essay more cohesive.
Last but nor least, I think that we are required to consider the factors that two groups must mull over before signing a new treaty, not only the commitments. For this part, at least in my personal view, I don’t see that in the essay. That is a pity, because in general, this is a good essay which answers the question mostly.
