The essay is quite clear. The first paragraph gives readers a brief introduction of the essay, namely talking about the commitments and is followed by the expansion except the last conclusion paragraph with different concerns of each paragraph.
But the third paragraph is not that coherent, my recommendation is that the effect of forest fire towards climate change should be put in the first place. Here another problem came out, that is, some information or opinion which the writer provided is not accurate and lack of authority like the sentence below:
“Developing countries, particularly Indonesia must educate the population about the impact of forest fire toward the environment and climate change, and so to prevent deforestation activities to grow worst.”
Because in each paragraph with different concerns, the writer intended to contrast (compare) the different (same) responsibilities of developed and developing countries at the same time. When contrasting, the writer should care about more the showing sequence of developed countries and developing countries. That will make the whole essay more cohesive.
Last but nor least, I think that we are required to consider the factors that two groups must mull over before signing a new treaty, not only the commitments. For this part, at least in my personal view, I don’t see that in the essay. That is a pity, because in general, this is a good essay which answers the question mostly.
I agree with Ren Yue that my essay is clear but the last conclusion is quite irrelevant to the main idea of the essay. It is because i did not summarize the main idea of my essay, and i did not point out the main thing that developed and developing countries should pledge to do when sign the agreement.
回复删除Ren Yue mentioned about my third paragraph should put the effect of forest fire to the climate change should come first, if this mean i should mention the effect first in that particular paragraph, i am agree with that. And Ren Yue mentioned that my opinion and information about the Indonesia forest fire is not accurate, i disagree but i agree that it is lack of evidence. Thus i had added in the statistic report in the final essay, to prove that my given information is correct.
I will take note about the showing sequence of developed and developing countries when contrasting the difference responsibilities of these countries.
Ren Yue mentioned that we are required to consider the factors that two groups must take note before signing the new treaty, i agree with it, and the commitments in my essay reflected the factors. So, i do not see that my essay did not answer the question.
Overall, i appreciate suggestions given by Ren Yue. It did help me to improve on my essay writing skill and correct my mistakes.